By: Valerio Albisetti


Infidelity is a symptom of the inability to love another human being deeply, with his or her good points and defects, but especially with the person’s diversity and distinctive uniqueness.
It is also generally a proof of an incomplete knowledge of self, of one’s own being.

Persons who are unfaithful are:

• Insecure,
• Laden with complexes,
• Hungry for affection,
• Immature,
• Infantile,
• Superficial,
• Incapable of loving.

According to a common opinion, men are more often unfaithful than women. I do not believe so.
There are differences between men and women in the way they understand relationship.

A woman often ties love to mutual commitment, to sentiments, to intimacy.

In general, she feels freer and more realized in the presence of the man to whom she is emotionally and sentimentally tied.

In a man, being always with the same person tends to bring on anxiety, even though this is often hidden.

In a fixed and stable relationship, a man fears losing his own identity, his own independence,; he feels controlled, trapped, suffocated, uncovered, vulnerable, confused, uneasy.
Moreover, a situation of affective dependence upon a woman reminds him of another type of relationship experienced in childhood: the one with his mother.

When he feels that he is tied to a woman because he needs her, a man becomes aware of his fear of being a weakling, a baby; he tries to pull away from her, perhaps by an adventure with another woman.

In this manner he tries to recover and reaffirm his own autonomy, his own manliness. This is an obviously general tendency.

Each of us is a unique and distinct person.

Once can thus control one’s own reactions and desires according to one’s personality and the values one holds.


The problem of infidelity and the way of confronting it differ on whether the people are married or not.

At the root of marriage is the conviction of being together for life. Thus, the tendency is to recover the relationship. During the period of engagement however, the relationship is built on another basis, that of trial. When one goes out with a person, he or she does not yet know if the relationship will definitely result in marriage. There is always the possibility that the relationship will end. The purpose of courtship is precisely that of allowing each to get to know the other, and thus to make a choice freely and rationally.


• In courtship, it is understood that progress will be made by trial,
• If one is betrayed, there is no need to indulge in self-punishment.

Many people, in such a case, think that they are lacking in something, that they are not attractive enough, that they have committed some unforgivable mistakes. Women especially, if the relationship fails, feel frustrated, because they often build their own identity on the relation with the man.


• It is important to understand that courtship evolves and proceeds by stages,
• In a relationship of acquaintances, feelings are in continual evolution.


• If you do not understand this, then it is hard to access the relationship objectively;
• You risk looking at the relationship unrealistically and projecting your own needs on the other; for example, you might think that the other is experiencing exactly your own desire, but then you will regard him or her as selfish and insensitive if your wants do not perfectly match his/hers.


In a special way, I am addressing women, because they are the ones who most often ask my advice about this problem. If you are not married, examine whether you have overvalued the relationship, whether you are entangled with a man who has no intention of binding himself seriously to you. His episodes with other women, in this case, are a way of making you understand that he is not available for you nor serious about his intentions. Women who look for elusive or unfaithful partners, because they find them exciting and interesting, in reality have problems with forming intimate relationships with men. The same holds true for girls who always fall in love with married men. Their charm lies only in their not being entirely available.


• Never chase him.
• Never cling to him pathetically.
• Never try to make him jealous.
• Never submit to him.
• Never please him any way.


• Talk to him directly. You have to be as open and direct as possible. Ask him what is the direction, the goal of your relationship. Further clarifications are very useful and revealing. In talking together honestly, for example, you will learn that your story has no future, and that therefore you are better off letting him go. If, however, it comes out that he deeply loves you and has the serious intention of binding himself to you, but has strayed, then it is worthwhile fighting for him.
• Nonetheless, compel him to give up the relation with the other woman.
• Have respect for your integrity and do not give up the values you believe in. Do not tolerate his infidelity merely because you are afraid that you will be unable to find another man.
• Do not believe that, once you are married, an unfaithful man will renounce his escapades.
• If you decide to break off the relationship, do not look for him again.
• If even though he continues to betray you, you do not succeed in breaking off your relationship, remember that it is also your fault. Maybe you have some kind of sadistic tendencies with the need to suffer, to let yourself be humiliated, to feel like a victim.

All of these hold true, for the most part, for men as well.

You do not have to respond with reprisals or vendettas, but face the problem openly and directly. The relationship of a couple grows when you succeed in overcoming the moments of crisis and distress.




Abandonment involves both the dimension of the individual as well as that of the couple. When it happens, it is always a bitter experience; it is to be overcome by reflecting on the reasons that caused it. One can make useful discoveries that may be helpful for the future.

Every suffering of love bears new possibilities for being happy.

Faced with abandonment, it is good to pose this question to oneself:

What did it mean for me to be with him/her?

Reflect on whether, in the relationship:

  • You have idolized your partners;
  • And he/she had become a refuge for your personal problems.

Some people can go out and see other people, go to public places, have a social life, only if they have partner. When the partner cannot be there, they no longer wish to go out.

Some people feel strong determined, and able to stand up to anybody when they have a partner they go back to being shy.

Still others, especially adolescents, say they are going with a girl or boy because they cannot stand staying at home with their parents.


If you look to the other for the solution to your own psychological problems, abandonment becomes almost inevitable.


In general, anyone who suffers greatly or too much over abandonment has not matured, and especially has not had a good relation with the self, has complexes, is insecure and is not pleased with oneself.

Thus, abandonment is experienced as a rejection of one’s own body, of one’s own character, as a confirmation of rejections (or events experienced as such) sustained in childhood coming from one’s father or mother.


  • Unconsciously, many times we ourselves are the ones who create situations or who behave in such a way as to provoke in our partner a desire to break off.
  • Abandonment inflicts suffering all the time because it represents a separation, while human beings tend toward fusion.


I believe that there is not a person in the world who has never experienced, at least once, abandonment.

I am convinced that this is part of the game of life. Human existence basically is a continual alternation between union and separation, joy and pain, presence and absence.

To be vital means to confront the risk of pain so as to live.

Anyone who sets out in life without taking into account failure, break-up, betrayal and abandonment is not capable of love. Such a one is fearful and immature is not living, and has never been born physically or spiritually. Anyone who, once abandoned, does not fall in love again or feels like a victim for life, is not accepting life. He or she remains stuck in the sphere of desire and need, and stays at the infantile and immature stage of existence. He/she does not admit confrontation or the possibility of losing. He/she would like reality to bend to his/her dreams, whereas the contrary is true.

Could love then exist in an ideal state, in an eternity of happiness, without separation, hardships, problems, betrayals, abandonment? No.

Paradoxically, in a situation of this sort, there would no longer be desire, passion, encounter, pleasure, joy, the other, diversity. Everything would be in perfect statis, immobile, mortal, and frightfully boring.

Ten Counsels

Anyone who is abandoned by a partner often goes into a state of despondency, and feels that he or she will not be able to come out of it.

Here are some suggestions for accomplishing this:

  • Do not regard abandonment as a rejection of yourself. It is merely an interrupted relationship. Life goes on.
  • Do not be afraid of suffering!
  • Do not look right away for another partner,
  • Take a brief pause for reflection.
  • Have a discussion about your conduct during the relationship. Do not make it an occasion for blame, but only for not repeating the same mistakes.
  • Know that the fortunes of a relationship are based on experience matured through suffering in earlier relationships.
  • During the period of greatest suffering, make an effort to carry out manual and domestic tasks, paying particular attention to small matters.
  • You can share your pain with someone you regard highly, but especially by writing in your personal diary.
  • Think about your integrity. Allow no one to break it. Do not let yourself be seized by the obsession of memory.
  • Throw out anything that can remind you of your partner.
  • Reflect and consider whether there is any wounded pride behind your pain.